There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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