Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
