i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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