How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
