Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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