I think I won the penis lottery.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
