The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
There r osticjed everywhere
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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