yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
