If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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