I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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