My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My ass is underappreciated
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
