All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
