Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
