If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
