Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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