3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
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Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
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I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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