I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
