just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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