I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
