i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
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I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
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The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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