I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Two words: nipple clamps
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