We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
