That reminds me...we need to get swords
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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