i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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