when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
