I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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