I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
