My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
