could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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