The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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