We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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