Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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