I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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