Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
