Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
