The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Randomize
