Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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