i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
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The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
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Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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