i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
