remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
