Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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