ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
