Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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