She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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