My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
