meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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