Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
