I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm jealous of your bromance
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
