So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
