its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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