i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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