I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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