after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
